I learned a new word recently - a word that describes a phenomenon I didn’t know I was going through until I saw the word and researched its definition:
Deconstruction.
Deconstruction in this context represents the journey one takes as they begin to question their faith. As they begin to pick apart doctrines and dogma, hold magnifying glasses up to long-standing truths, and challenge beliefs and viewpoints culturally, societally, or generationally passed down to them.
Deconstruction is a change in direction. It’s often a full stop, pause, teeter, and then proceed anew. It looks different for everyone and can occur in any belief system (Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, etc.). It can happen to people who identify as “religious” in a traditional, fundamental sense, or it can occur with more “progressive” people who have come to see the rules and regulations of a religion as a hindrance to a true, personal relationship with God/Source…yet due to fear of bad karma or eternal damnation or long-standing outdated programming still live their lives in accordance to some sort of strict, moralistic faith-based code of right vs. wrong (hi, it’s me!).
While a quest to “know” may have evoked deconstructing individuals to begin a journey such as this, there is no destination in deconstruction. Rather, the process of deconstruction is more akin to an ongoing investigation - a perpetual invitation to come back to oneself and make present-minded, conscious decisions about how one intends to show up and interact in (and out) of this world in their human existence within this multidimensional spiritual/physical dimensional plane.
Throughout a deconstruction, a person may entertain many theological positions, such as Atheism, A/Gnosticism, and Theism, all of which have a multitude of subcategories and schools of thought to dig into - anti-theists, polytheists, monotheists, pantheists, mystisists, humanists, universalists, spiritualists, materialists, nihilists, and so on.
No matter where a person traverses throughout their deconstruction process, they have likely experienced many unsettling, new, isolating, liberating, or otherwise “intense” emotions along the way. Many inadvertently open the door to repressed trauma or suppressed pain. Fight, flight, freeze, and fawn are all common reactions along the way. Shame, blame, and guilt pop up. Anger, sadness, confusion, and isolation can make an appearance, too. This is because the process of deconstruction often cuts to the very core of what a person believes to be true about life. It’s the big stuff. The existential stuff. The why do bad things happen to good people and what happens when I die, stuff.
For many, these moralistic belief systems provide a sense of calm certainty. Cause and effect. Control and order. Sense, in an otherwise senseless world. They provide parameters for how to think, learn, play, love, and work. They teach us what to say and what to do, how to be and where to go, what to accept and what to reject. Limiting or not, these guidelines have historically helped human beings regulate their mind, body, spirit, and soul. In a sense, they are safe because they are familiar.
Additionally, our belief systems are often tightly wrapped into our family of origin, culture, and overall worldview. Practiced or not, religion and spirituality have a way of seeping into our cells from the moment we are born until the day we die. It molds us, whether we are aware or not.
Anyone who has a basic understanding of elementary psychology may have heard of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. Considering the basic needs of food, water, shelter, and rest have been met, the next category describes a person’s need for safety and security, followed by belongingness and love. Many individuals do not have the luxury of individuating from their faith or belief systems without facing the very real threat of being judged, ostracized, or excommunicated from their family, friends, or social circles. Going against the grain threatens a key tenant of a person’s ability to “self-actualize.” In other words, going against the grain and losing the support of the people whom you love, trust, and need, is basis enough for a personal evolutionary crisis.
So, when we start questioning what we’ve always known or assumed to be true, to our body and brain it can literally feel like we are breaking down from the inside out, because in a way we are. We have stripped away our protective, safe, known barriers in favor of open-minded curiosity. This can lead to heightened levels of vulnerability and insecurity, and may also introduce a greater susceptibility to manipulation or risky experimentation for the people who are actively deconstructing. It can be unsettling.
I’d imagine it’s kind of like creating a painting.
After you’ve decided to question your beliefs, you’re left with this blank canvas staring back at you - it’s rife with possibility, but also overwhelm. You start testing out new ideas, new theories. You litter the canvas with dashes here, strokes there. Sometimes meticulously, sometimes chaotically. You abandon it. Come back to it. Add in a color or element that doesn’t belong. Paint over it. Keep experimenting. Keep trusting. Keep opening yourself up to the beauty unfolding. Sometimes it gets dark before it gets light, but it’s happening nonetheless. You’re creating and discovering nonetheless. By the time you’ve stepped back to critique your work, you realize you have evidence of a journey, and even if everyone doesn’t “get” it, it’s yours.
Whew. Maybe this is why people who are deconstructing go so many different ways. Explore so many avenues of thought. Seek such varied opinions and discourse. It’s a very personal process, and there is not right way to go about it. Kind of like grief.
While I don’t believe I am “done” deconstructing (one is never “done” experiencing new depths), I do feel like I’ve recently turned a corner and have begun the process of reconstructing. In my case, this has led me back to the original premise of my belief system: Jesus Christ. Only this time, the belief, interaction, and relationship is deeper and different than anything I had ever experienced in a church, gathering, or through the lens of someone else’s witness or conviction. Stripped down sacred. It took losing the fear of separation to create a safe place for curiosity, which provided the space I needed to experientially entertain new schools of thought, that ultimately unveiled a greater expression of Divine Love and Truth. At least for me.
Many who find themselves on a deconstruction journey never return to a place of resonance with their original core belief system. It’s not uncommon for people to swing from one side of the spectrum to the other. Out with the old, in with the new. I thought that perhaps that’s what I was doing as well, but deconstructions can be surprising.
Anyway, I’m no expert on this matter.
I just didn’t know there was a specific word to describe the experience I had been having over the past eight years in regard to my understanding of and relationship to God. I share this with you now because I want to remind you that it is okay. Human beings were never meant to blindly following anything. It’s not how we were designed. Wherever you’re at, wherever you’ve come from, wherever you’re headed, keep asking questions. Curiosity is not defiance; it is birthright.
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Update 2023: Since writing this post, my views have shifted slightly. Again. Surprise! That’s just how it goes. In the Fall/Winter of 2022 I took a class on Metaphysics and Christianity. It was fascinating, expanding, and provided yet another layer of “safety” for me to explore things that modern-day Christianity has a tendency to demonize. I look forward to sharing that experience in a future post soon!