Letters from Love.
Years ago I stumbled upon a certain phenomenon: if I wrote a question in my journal, something would answer it. While that “something” is somewhat open for interpretation, I’ve come to understand it as the wiser, deeper, more divine part of myself willing to dole out wisdom and understanding if I just take the time to ask for it.
In 2020, I began a practice known as morning “brain dumping.” I’d take to my journal within the first hour of waking - before emails, scrolling - and I’d begin writing whatever was at the top of my mind.
“I’m really hungry, I need to go to the store later, God I wish Jax would stop whining, look at this spider on the wall, I want coffee so bad but I don’t want to make it…I wonder how much Nespressos are, I shouldn’t have said that to her last night, I wonder what he’s up to now, I can’t believe I have this meeting later, ugh I need to shower, should I move the couch to the other wall, are these eye bags caused from black mold in my house or am I just old, do you think the root of my repressed anger is because of blah blah blah.”
You get the idea.
The goal of “brain dumping” in the biohacking space is to optimize productivity and performance. By employing this personal organization process, one can more easily see patterns and projects and more effectively categorize their internal clutter into actionable steps to achieve goals.
This concept is shared by artists, too. Julia Cameron discusses this as a crucial step in the creative process in her book “The Artist’s Way,” noting that the sparks of our next best idea are often hidden under all the layers of mind muck.
But I started journaling for neither of these reasons, at least consciously. I picked up my journal because I needed an emotional outlet to express how I was truly feeling about all the things in my life without the need to mask, placate, soften, sharpen, or otherwise try to fool myself into thinking everything was going just “fine.” I started journaling because over the years, I’ve learned I don’t often know how I feel about something until I create the space to process in this way…and if I don’t create the space, I allow myself to absorb the circumstances, opinions, and energies of others as my own original thought, losing myself along the way.
So each morning I ranted and raved and questioned and commented and listed and organized and tried to make sense of my life. I traversed big, big existential issues and examined minor daily inconveniences that took disproportionate levels of my energy. I wrote passionately, unapologetically, finding safety in knowing none of this would ever see the light of day.
Along the way, I often slipped into a Q&A format. I would rant, rant, rant getting 3-5 minutes of nonsense out of the way and then find myself able to go a couple layers deeper and enter into a dialogue about slightly more intangible things.
At this time in my life I was grappling with another round of “But who is God, really?” and was deep into a multi-year journey of redefining my relationship with God, Christianity, and metaphysical spirituality…so many of the questions I posed were situated around this topic.
It’s important to me to note that I didn’t intentionally set out to ask questions. I would reach the end of a a seemingly unrelated emotional tangent, and, defeated, would kind of trail off into a “so, what the fuck am I supposed to do now…?” And surprisingly, I began to hear thoughts in my head that would address the question or frenzied emotional state I was experiencing, only I couldn’t identify them as my “own.” They had a different feeling behind them - a different intonation, used slightly different verbiage, and most importantly, were WAY more insightful, grounded, and calm than my normal internal dialogue.
I started writing what I was hearing, and the moment I would, the guiding thoughts would pour in faster and faster, causing my hand to write quicker than my mind could think. I learned that after an initial burst of insight, I could pause, consider, and then ask a question back. And no sooner than I did, another wave of communication would flow in, often leaving me stunned and confused at the discoveries, connections, or universal laws I somehow stumbled upon.
Over the years I’ve come to understand more of what this phenomenon is, why it happens, and how it is a crucial lifeline ALL human beings have access to; you need not be spiritual, intuitive, creative, a good writer, or anything else. You need only to be willing, honest, and open-minded to the support that already exists within you.
Now, in 2024, I’m revisiting this concept today because I’ve let this practice slip in the past few months, and man am I feeling the effects of that! It’s been hard lately - to feel like God, the universe, the support is real. It’s been hard to accept that it’s real whether I know it or not, feel it or not, accept it or not, see evidence of it or not. It’s been hard to not think that I am experiencing less of it because I am not doing “more” of something I “should.” It’s hard to not feel like everything is my fault and I am alone. It’s been exhausting to think about writing, brain dumping, or anything else that asks me to expend more of my already spent energy. I’ve been indignant, defiant, angry, and quite victimy lately.
But I was reminded of something similar to brain dumping while listening to a podcast Elizabeth Gilbert was on where she explained that every single morning she begins her day by simply asking, “Love, what would you have me know today?” Then, she journals her response, fully trusting that whatever she writes is precisely what love would like her to know today.
She’s not concerned if her personality influences the message - it does. She’s not concerned if it’s “God” talking to her or a certain part of her brain lighting up and influencing the message - both can be true. She’s decided to believe that divinity resides within her - as all of us - and that divine nature desires to connect with us always, if we just ask.
So, I’ve decided brain dumping stresses me out too much right now ~ as if I need to RECORD all of the swirling thoughts that consume me day in and day out ~ no thanks. But simply asking one question and journaling one response is manageable.
Here’s mine for the day. Maybe I’ll share more in the future. But if anything, I’d like for this post to encourage you to believe that you have storerooms of inspiration, insight, cleverness, wisdom, love, support, problem-solving aids, and guidance within. I’d like to encourage you to find your way to familiarizing yourself with it, and if you’re not sure where to start, just ask.
7/21/24
[me] Love, what would you have me know today:
[Love] Breathe. Don’t clench down so tightly. Relax and let what be, be. Know that I am on your side. There is no us/them mentality, and the illusion of that is one of the “Enemy’s” greatest tactics. The “Enemy” isn’t a person/entity as much as it is a concept of disillusionment and isolation. It’s a mechanism of the mind that calls “you” separate and me “whole.” It’s a protective measure the mind employs to cope with the feeling of separation from me - from you - in the Earth plane, but that separation is not real. To find your way back to me, look within. Learn to love yourself deeply, wholly, completely, and in essence you will be loving me.
[me] How can I love myself deeply, wholly, completely…?
[Love] Radical acceptance of what it is.
[me] Radical acceptance of what is…?
[Love] Yes. It’s quite literally as simple as that. When you want to change something, don’t. When you want to ridicule, criticize, or come down on yourself or another, do not. What is is what’s perfect because it is.
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IMPORTANT: I’ve learned I may not always understand or agree with what my Q&A journal sessions reveal. Like this one above for example: I did not want to talk about this topic…but this is what came out. I also do not even know if I fully believe what was said or even like the tone in which it was communicated - doesn’t matter. Write it down. Come back to it or don’t. The point is not always what is said, but flexing the muscle of connection.
Also, do not judge or compare the way my message sounds if you choose to embark on your own practice. There are days where my messages are heavier, more stern…but there are absolutely days where they are sweet and brimming with God damn butterflies. The human experience is varied and vast, so too are the messages from Love.